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I didn’t fall. The floor just needed a hug. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first. And, whatever you hit, call it the target. Graduation Speech: I’d like to thank the internet, Google, Wikipedia, Microsoft Word, and Copy & Paste. It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff. If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you’ll end up working with one. When a subject becomes totally obsolete we make it a required course. Arguing about whether the glass is half full or half empty misses the point, which is this: the bartender cheated you. What do you mean, my birth certificate expired? Some people come into our lives and leave footprints on our hearts, while others come into our lives and make us wanna leave footprints on their face. Sorry, I can’t hangout. My uncle’s cousin’s sister in law’s best friend’s insurance agent’s roommate’s pet goldfish died. Maybe next time. Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you. A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain. Smile: if you can’t lift the corners, let the middle sag. I don’t have a license to kill. I have learners permit! I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer! The only way to make your PC go faster is to throw it out a window. Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution. Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair. God grant me the serenity to accept that people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, & the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal. Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition! How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. Dude, are my eyes seeing what my brain is telling my eyes that they’re seeing?:James Roday There are three types of people in this world: those who make things happen, those who watch things happen and those who wonder what happened. Keep talking, someday you’ll say something intelligent. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor? A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it. I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic and so am I. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable, we find it necessary to change it every six months. People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world:Calvin Where there’s a will, there are five hundred relatives. My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. My sarcasm only gets me in trouble when my brain-to-mouth filter is malfunctioning. Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone? Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie’ until you can find a rock. Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one. I think of myself as an intelligent, sensitive human being with the soul of a clown which always forces me to blow it at the most important moments. Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn’t pay..so if you keep reading, you’ll go broke. I have finally been diagnosed…!!! I have a serious condition known as “Awesomeness” but don’t worry, none of you can get it because its not contagious! I wanted to kill the sexiest person alive, but they say suicide is a crime. Due to lack of interest, tomorrow has been cancelled.
